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tara34

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tara34

WHO~KNEW I am thankful to finally have the ability to see a different style of people. Thank you for the information you gave to me. Also, thank you for the kind words. I wasn't expecting them, and they come at a weak time for me, so for you, WHO_KNEW, know that you really made a difference to somebody tonight,when she needed it the most.

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entry 4--where are you supposed to turn next?????????

 NOW THAT TRISTIN HAD MADE SUCH HUGE STRIDES IN HIS CONDITION, MY HEART COULD  COME OUT OF MY THROAT. IT HAD BEEN TOUCH AND GO FOR SO LONG, THAT I THINK EVEY ONE HAD BEGAN TO LOSE FAITH. INCLUDING ME. I NOW KNEW THE FEELING OF "IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU". IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. I HAVE THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING OF GUILT THAT EATS AT ME CONSTANTLY.   REASON?.....THE CHAPLAIN OF THE HOSPITAL HAD BEEN TELLING ME, OVER AND OVER, "DONT BLAME GOD FOR THIS."   AND I ALWAYS REPLIED TO HIM," HOW CAN I BLAME THE ONE MAN- THAT I NEED MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE THESE OTHERS" BUT I LATER CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I BLAMED. THERE WAS NO OTHER PERSON LEFT. THE FACT THAT THE OTHER DRIVER DIED AT THE SCENE, HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE TO ME. I SHOULD BE ASHAMED. BUT THE ANGER THAT A MOTHER FEELS, AFTER SHE LAYS THAT BABY'S PERFECT LITTLE BODY DOWN FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, IS MORE POWERFUL THAN I COULD EVEN ATTEMPT TO PUT INTO WORDS. THE FACT IS, I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS DRUGGED UP ON HER PRESCRIPTION PAIN PILLS. NOT TAKEN BY DOCTORS ORDERS. SHE HAD TAKEN ALOT MORE THAN THAT. AND  I LOOKED DOWN, AS TRISTIN MUMBLED THOSE FIRST WORDS, AND I WAS EXCITED. THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY HAD JUST GIVEN US THE FIGHT OF HIS LIFE. AND MY PRECIOUS TAYTAY GONE FROM THIS EARTH.MY FULL-OF-LIFE MOTHER TAKEN FROM 7 REMAINING KIDS, 2 SISTERS, AND 43 GRANDCHILDREN, MY DAD, BIGGER THAN LIFE ITSELF, AND VERY MUCH STILL NEEDED HERE- WAS GONE FOREVER, AND TIF, STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT SHE MAY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.  AND WHY? BECAUSE THAT WOMAN COULD NOT WAIT 10 MINUTES,(YES SHE WAS 10 MIN. AWAY FROM HER HOME).         I KNOW FIRST HAND,.....RAGE IS A HORRIBLE FEELING. BUT I HAVE FELT IT.  EVER SINCE.

BRINGING TRISTIN HOME WAS A BITTER SWEET MOMENT. THE END OF THE CRITICAL WATCH, BUT NOW, I WAS SCARED BEYOND IMAGINATION. I DIDNT HAVE ANYONE TO TURN TO. HERE THIS LITTLE HELPLESS BABY IS.....WRAPPED IN A HALF BODY CAST, NG TUBE COMING FROM HIS NOSE, AND AT THIS TIME, THE ONLY EMOTION HE HAS BACK IS RAGE, HIMSELF. THERE ARE NO OTHER WORDS FOR IT. IF THE TV WAS ON, AND THE SOUND WAS NOT MUTED....IT WOULD OVERLOAD HIS BRAIN. CAUSING THIS REACTION. HE COULD NOT CONTROL IT EITHER, SO I WOULD HAVE TO MIX HIS MEDS AND BASICALLY KNOCK HIM OUT.     IT WAS SO EASY TO OVERLOAD HIM. NO VISITORS, NO SOUNDS COMING FROM THE HOUSE ALLOWED, NO SLEEPING UNLESS I HAD MEDICATED HIM. HE WENT 45 1/2 HOURS AT THE HOSPITAL ONCE BEFORE SEDATION. THEY WERE TESTING THAT, TO SEE IF HE COULD GO TO SLEEP ON HIS OWN.....NO, HE COULDNT.  MONTHS OF ONE ON ONE WITH HIM, AND WHEN POSSIBLE, GET OUT THERE TO FIX DINNER, TEND TO TIF, AND TY, FOR THAT MATTER. AND I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. I STILL THANK GOD EVEYDAY FOR WHAT HE HAS LET ME KEEP ON EARTH, HERE. AND I MISS MY LITTLE BABY GIRL, MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY.         AFTER 6 WEEKS (LETS BACK IT UP A BIT) MY SECOND HUSBAND, TAYLOR AND TRISTINS DAD DECIDED HE COULDN'T HELP, NOR COULD HE COPE. ON MAY 19, 2006, HE KILLED HIMSELF.  

WHERE DO YOU PUT ALL OF THIS EMOTION? WELL, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I DID. AS I WAS STILL GOING MIN. BY MIN., I JUST KEPT BREATHING. I KEPT PRAYING. AND I KEPT ON TENDING TO MY BABIES. THATS WHAT I DID.

AS I MENTIONED IN A PREVIOUS CLIP, TIF HAD WENT BACK TO SCHOOL PARTTIME. SHE WAS IN HER WHEELCHAIR MOST OF THE TIME. WHEN IT CAME TO HER FIRST ORTHOPEDIC CHECK UP( BACK TO THE 2 1/2 MONTH-MARK),THE SURGEON SAYS FOR HER TO START PUTTING A LITTLE WIEGHT ON HER RIGHT SIDE AS SHE WALKED UP ONTO THE CANE--ONLY--. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FAINT. I WAS SCARED FOR HER. AND OF COURSE, RIGHT ON TOP OF HER, IN CASE SHE WERE TO FALL.(THIS BEING AFTER SHE WALKED ACROSS THE STAGE W/ WALKER). SHE LOOKED OVER AT ME AND SAID THE MOST EYE OPENING WORDS I HAVE EVER HEARD......"MOM, STOP IT!! I AM NOT MADE OUT OF GLASS!!!"

THAT MOMENT WAS THE BIGGEST BURST OF REALITY I THINK I HAD HAD TO THAT DATE. I HAD HOVERED OVER THE KIDS TO A SMOTHERING STAGE. I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY AN EYE OPENER. THE REASON FOR THAT????? I DIDNT HAVE TO GRIEVE. I COULDNT BELIEV IT, BUT I HAD WENT STRAIGHT FROM GRIEVING DAUGHTER AND MOTHER, RIGHT INTO, CARETAKER, NURSEMAID, AND HAD BEEN HIDING BEHIND THESE KIDS SO THAT I DIDNT HAVE TO TRUELY FACE FACTS. AMAZING DISCOVERY, IT WAS. AND NOW I KNEW THE WORST EVENTS IN MY LIFE WOULD TAKE PLACE........more rantings later......tc

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entry 3--trying to cope with loss.........

THE NEXT DAY CAME....TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I COULD STAND UP AND BE STRONG FOR MY SON, TY.HE DEFINITELY NEEDED ME TO BE. I HAD BEEN UP THE REMAINDER OF THE NITE  WATCHING HIM SLEEP ON THAT PULL-IN COT. I WAS SO TERRIFIED. I DIDNT EVEN BELIEVE THAT THIS COULD ALL BE HAPPENING TO ME. BUT THERE WASNT MUCH TIME TO FIGURE OUT DETAILS OR CONCLUDE ANYTHING. TY WAS BEGINNING TO MOVE AROUND, AND I REALIZED HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO SEE AT LEAST 1 BABY TURN OUT OK.    THANK GOD HE HAD DECIDED TO STAY BEHIND, AT THE NIEGHBORS.  THE SECOND MORNING WAS JUST AS BAD AS THE FIRST. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS EVEN DOING FOR WEEKS. DON HAD TO GUIDE ME THROUGH EVERY MOTION. SEE, TIF HAD TO GO TO A SEPERATE HOSPITAL, BECAUSE OF HER AGE, AND THREE TRAUMAS AT A TIME, PRIMARY CHILDRENS TOOK THE TWOO BABIES, AND TIF WAS AT A DIFF  HOSPITAL. SO MY DAYS WERE SOUNDING LIKE;  TARA, WE HAVE TO GOT TO TRISTINS HOSP. YOU HAVE TO SIGN A TRANSFUSION RELEASE....HEY TARA, WE HAVE TO SEE TIF, ANOTHER SURGERY RELEASE, BACK TO TRISTINS, HIS SWELLING WORSENED, BACK TO TIF; .....YOU GET THE IDEA. A HORRIBLE NITEMARE FOR ANYONE. (AND STILL TODAY, I PRAY EVERYDAY FOR ALL MOMS. NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH THAT. I PRAY FOR ALL KIDS, THE ABILITY TO SMILE.)

I USE TO THINK THAT IT WAS A  WEAK SUGGESTION WHEN I WOULD HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "TAKE IT DAY BY DAY". AT THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE, I WAS STRUGGLING FOR MINUTE BY MINUTE. AND STILL DON WAS CONSTANTLY SAYING, TARA, BREATHE...UR NOT BREATHING." HOW I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK MY COMMENTS THAT MIGHT HAVE MADE THAT ONE PERSON FEEL LIKE A QUITTER, INSTEAD OF SURVIVING DAY TO DAY. I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT THAT TO THIS DAY. AND I PROUDLY ADMIT THAT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I HAVE GRADUATED UP TO DAY BY DAY.

 

AS WEEKS WENT BY, TIF GOT TO GO HOME. I STAYED WITH TRISTIN, AND TY , WHO WAS STAYING WITH FRIENDS,ALONG WITH DON, BROUGHT TIF HOME. THE DRS SAID IT WOULD BE ABOUT 6 MONTHS BEFORE SHE COULD START TO WALK AGAIN. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW MY CHILDREN. I HAVE THE STRONGEST MINDED, BRAVEST KIDS IN THE WORLD. TIF WANTED TO FINISH UP THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEK OF SCHOOL.8th GRADE.SHE COULD ONLY START OFF A HALF OF A DAY, IT WAS ALOT ON HER. 2nd PART OF THE DAY, SHE SPENT SLEEPING... IT REALLY WORE HER OUT.  SHE BEGAN WALKING ON A CANE WITHIN 2 WEEKS, AND YOU COULD IMAGINE HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO WATCH HER WALK ACROSS THAT GYM STAGE AT HER 8TH GRADE GRADUATION.

MEANWHILE, TRISTIN AND I STARTED OUR ONE ON ONE THERAPY. I TALKED TO HIM ALL OF THE TIME. WHEN THEY TOLD ME HE WOULDNT EVER TRUELY WAKE UP, PANIC FLARED. BUT ONLY FOR A MINUTE OF TWO.I REMEMBERED WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT. MY SON. MY SON!! ALTHOUGH I HAD BEEN SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THE WORST POSSIBLE SITUATION COULD VERY WELL OCCUR, I HAD TO BELIEVE HE WOULD PULL THROUGH. IWAS PREPARED TO LIVE RIGHT THERE IN THAT HOSPITAL ROOM, IF NEEDS BE, FOR AS LONG OF A TIME PERIOD THAT TRISTIN NEEDED TO HEAL HISSELF. DRS SAY THAT IF SWELLING ON THE BRAIN DOESNT BEGIN TO DEMINISH AFTER 48 HOURS, CHANCES ARE BAD THAT THE PATIENT WILL RECOVER. 6 DAYS IN TO THIS NIGHTMARE OF AN  ORDEAL, I WAS SITTING BY HIM, READING ELMO. I LOOKED UP AT HIS BROKEN UP LIL BODY, ALL IN A HALF BODY CAST, METAL BOLT IN HIS BRAIN, MACHINES ALL OVER HIM, I STOOD UP, AND KISSED HIS HEAD.  THE BEST THAT I COULD. I REMEMBER BEGGING GOD TO LET ME KEEP HIM. THAT NIGHT, TRISTIN OPENED HIS EYES FOR THE FIRST TIME..........

HIS EXPRESSIONS ON HIS FACE MADE IT TOTALLY OBVIOUS THAT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE.(IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.) LONG, COLD,BLANK STARE FOR THE NEXT TWO OR THREE DAYS. WE KNEW THAT HE COULD HEAR, BECAUSE HE WOULD TRY TO MOVE HIS HEAD WHEN I TALKED TO HIM.BUT IT WAS SO EASY TO OVERLOAD HIM, WE COULDNT HAVE LIGHT ON, OR SOUND. HE WAS FIGHTING THOUGH.  A FEW MORE DAYS IN TO THIS UPHILL FIGHT, THEY HAD JUST CHANGED OUT HIS NG TUBE, AND OF COURSE, MEDICATED HIM. BUT AS I PUT IN A FAVORITE CARTOON OF HIS IN, HE LOOKED OVER AT ME, AND SAID,"BLUE"

HIS FIRST WORD!!!YOU COULDNT EVEN IMAGINE HOW EXCITED I WAS AT THAT GIVEN MOMENT. I NOW KNEW THAT HE COULD TALK, AT LEAST.  ALSO, HE REMEMBERED THINGS FROM BEFORE, AND THAT HIS THOUGHT PROCESS WAS WORKING . AT WHAT EXTENT WAS TO BE DETERMINED LATER,AND STILL LATER FROM TODAY. THE BRAIN IS TRUELY AMAZING...................MORE TO COME.........

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entry 2--surviving cannot be done alone.........

 I HAVE NEVER REALLY HAD WHAT THEY CALL, AN EASY LIFE. BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NOT BAD. WE WERE RAISED, 8 BRO AND SIS , TWO PARENTS WORKING ALL THE TIME, AND MY OLDEST SISTER(10YRS OLDER) GOT USED TO US SMALLER ONES CALLING HER MOMMA. WE NEVER HAD IT EASY, BUT WE PULLED TOGETHER AND MADE GOOD MEMORIES.WELL, SOME. I MARRIED AT AN EARLY AGE OF 17. GOD, THAT WAS THE FIRST RUDE AWAKENING OF REALIZATION. HE DRANK ALOT, AND WOULD GET PRETTY VIOLENT TOWARDS ME. SO, IN 1993, MY OLDEST ANGEL,1 AND 1/2, AND PREGNANT WITH MY 2ND, I FOUND OUT I WAS HAVING A BOY.I COULDNT DO THAT REPETITION OF VIOLENCE, NOR COULD I BE PROUD TO RAISE KIDS AROUND VIOLENCE. I PACKED UP MY THINGS, GRABBED MY LIL'TIF, NOW 15, AND WE LEFT. WHEN TY WAS BORN, IT WAS TOUGH. TRYING TO GO BAK TO COLLEGE, RAISE TWO BABIES, AND BE 100% SUPPORT TO THESE TWO. I STILL DO NOT REGRET IT A BIT.        I MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME IN 1999. THAT WAS THE SICKEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YOU COULD EVER ATTEMPT. OFF AND ON, WE PLAYED IT OUT FOR 5 YEARS. 2 MORE BEAUTIFUL BABES ....1 GIRL, TAYLOR, AND THE CABOOSE, TRISTIN. I HAVE MADE ALOT OF MISTAKES ALONG THE WAY, BUT ONE THING I HAVE DONE WELL. I HAVE BRIGHT, EAGER, AND VERY BRAVE CHILDREN. AND FOR THAT, I TAKE FULL CREDIT. BEING A SINGLE PARENT IS THE HARDEST THING TO SURVIVE. I CONSIDER IT SURVIVING....BUT AS MY SECOND MARRIAGE DREW NEARER THE END, MY PARENTS BECAME WORRIED ABOUT ME, AS I WAS THEM. MOM , DIAGNOSED WITH DIABITIES 20 YRS BEFORE, NEVER COULD GET IT UNDER CONTROLL. HECK, IF HER SUGAR WAS DOWN IN THE 200s- SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING GREAT. SERIOUS COMPLICATIONS ARE WHAT CAME NEXT FOR HER. ALOT OF THEM, AND QUITE OFTEN.  3 STROKES,PANCRIATITIS,BELLS PAULSY(some spelling champ huh) LIVER  AND KIDNEY PROBLEMS....U GET THE PICTURE. SO MY DAD ASKED ME TO MOVE IN W/ THEM, THEY COULD BABYSIT 4 ME...I COULD WATCH OUT FOR THEM....WORKED GREAT FOR A WHILE.   I MET FUTURE HUSBAND #3 SHORTLY AFTER I MOVED IN W/ THEM. AT MY JOB, NO LESS. THINGS WERE ACTUALLY STARTING TO QUIT SPINNING FROM THE MOTION SICKENESS OF THE COASTER, WHEN APRIL 13, 2006 CAME.

I GO TO WORK...MOM AND DAD WANT TO GO TO WALMART TO FINISH EASTER SHOPPING. I WENT ON TO WORK, 2pm; 6pm ROLLS AROUND......MANAGER(AND BEST FRIEND) TELLS ME TO GO GET IN HER CAR. I DID. AND THATS WHEN SHE TOLD ME. I CAN HEAR HER WORDS AS IF THEY WILL ECHO FOREVER.YOUR FAMILY HAS BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT. I HAD TO ASK; ARE YOU SURE? WHO WAS ALL IN IT?

CASUALLY, YET ANXIOUSLY WANTING TO BELIEVE IT WAS A FINDER BENDER, AND THAT AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, MY MOM WAS SCREAMING AT MY DAD; "I TOLD YOU SO!" THE NEXT WORDS FROM MY FRIEND?'''''3 OF YOUR KIDS WERE JUST LIFELIGHTD. I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME ELAPSED AT THAT TIME, BUT THE ONLY ONE THING I REMEMBER ASKING HER WAS WHICH ONE OF MY KIDS WERE OK. SHE DIDNT KNOW. From work to the nearest hospital was approx. 15 miles. 1/2 way there, I get a call, and they have more news. My friend takes te phone. She looked at me and i knew what was coming....question was, who? Tara, we have to drive thru the wreckage. they want you to be aware....

the worst plunge in your stomach cannot describe the impact of emotion when she tells me, your mom and dad were both killed instantly.

Gut wrenched, and feeling an enormous amount of fear, i made it inside the hospital doors.(1st hospital-to stabalize) and the kids' pediatrician, gen prac., was meeting me at the ER doors.Tara. i need you to stop first and let me update you on thier conditions. Not wanting to delay another minute with my kids, i knew i had to. i asked her, who is safe? 1 of my babies is ok, right?  She shook her head, and mumbled out, Ty wasnt in there.(12 yrs old) TIF-11 broken ribs, crushed pelvis at least 3 places,rt femur shattered, rt hip, shattered. temp amnesia, both lungs were collapsing, severed her liver, and condition=poor; chances=50/50. TRISTIN-aged 2 yrs...17 breaks in lower extremities, feet disconnected from legs, abdominal swelling of unknown source.massive swelling to the brain.condition-critical chances=30% survival chance. TAYLOR,4, we couldnt wait for you, she is the worst. Massive head trauma.   that was it. no breaks. no internal issues. sounded more hopeful than my oldest and youngest....

Dr tells me; TAYLOR-condition-very critical  chances..............10-15%.

i started screaming at this doctor and friend. I shouted out that she is responsible. It is her job to make my babies well. she had better get away from me and tend to those babies. reminding myself(as if), that mom and dad were not there to hold me. WHAT? NOT THERE ANYMORE?i couldnt even fathom it. All I could do is pray for God to leave the lil' ones.

It was `130 miles to SLC, where the kids had been flown. I had picked up Don, fiance', and my biggest baby boy, Ty,and what a reunion that was. i was truely feeling blessed just to hold on to one of my babes. In the very next second, I felt rage, then i felt cheated. and i wondered if i could cope with a child with physical impairments.

We arrived at the hosp. at 8:11pm. Met by several physicians, surgeons, ortho,neuro.......and a small woman moved to the front of this congregation. To that point, I had only thought I knew pain. IM SORRY, BUT TAYLOR DIDNT MAKE IT. was all I remember for hours. We werent allowed to got see the other 2 yet,(too many medical procedures to do, including the bolt being put in to Tristins tiny skull, to monitor pressure.So, for what seemed like just minutes to me, but was truely,as Im told now, 5-6 hours i did nothing but rock my lil baby girl for one last time.

I was scared to put her down. I was affraid of never picking her up again. never being cheeck to cheek, playing the raspberry game.Nothing FOREVER.

 

to be continued.....

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entry 1--legally trying to survive w/no other help...

REFERENCE: MY BETER-THAN-FICTION, REAL AND TRUE ACCOUNTS OF MY LIFE-UP THRU TODAY. THE LAST YEAR....THE ULTIMATE TRIALS.......(MY OWN BLOG). I COULD REALLY USE INFORMATION, WHETHER IT BE LEGAL, SOCIAL, OR COUNSELLING. I WONT TURN DOWN ANY ADVICE I CAN GET. COURSE IF THERE IS A FOUNDATION THAT CAN HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT MY NEXT MOVE IS, ;   IM ALL EARS. RIGHT NOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO GET MY CHILDREN BACK FROM FOSTER CARE. I CANT EVEN BELIEVE I AM HAVING TO SAY THAT. THEY WERE TAKEN OUT OF MY HOUSE BECAUSE A COP, WHO DIDNT HAVE RIGHTS TO BE IN MY HOUSE, CALLED DCFS , TOLD HER ID BE GOING TO JAIL. HE ALSO KNEW AT THAT POINT THAT HE WAS NOT TAKING ME TO JAIL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN EITHER. THE THREE SPEEDING TICKETS I HAVE HAD IN THE 19 YEARS IVE DRIVEN IS THE EXTENT OF MY LAW BREAKING EPISODES. THE INTAKER KNEW THAT I WAS NOT IN JAIL 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE TOOK THE REMAINING THREE BABIES FROM ME.       DOES THIS SOUND KOSHER TO ANYONE? GOT ANY ADVICE?       LOTS MORE TO THE STORY, IF UR INTERESTED. TC

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tara34

I NEED HELP WITH LEGAL ISSUES AND/OR COUNSELING ONLINE.       MY KIDS DEPEND ON IT......I HAVE HAD NO LUCK.....                PLEASE HELP ME IF YOU CAN

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